As we get older, we think that issues that plagued us as children and teenagers get easier. We know that being part of the "in" crowd does not matter near as much as providing for our families and living lives of character. But for so many people, fitting in remains important.
Having a child with special needs is lonely. It means you never fit in. No one (other than your spouse or partner), even another parent with a child with special needs, can completely understand your struggles. It means going to birthday parties where you are surrounded by typically developing children and trying not to cry while watching them play games. It means talking with other parents and feeling proud of their kids accomplishments and simultaneously sorry for yourself that you may never experience them with one of your kids. And then feeling like a terrible person because you can't stop thinking about yourself and your issues long enough to be happy for someone else.
And I also don't feel like I did in with parents who have children with special needs. Maybe it's simply because I don't want to fit with them. Which is also terrible. My sister recently suggested I find a support group while she and I were talking about my recent struggles, and I told her that I am so emotionally exhausted that I worry a support group will make it worse. I want to be supportive of other parents living with their unique littles, but will I leave feeling more emotionally depleted hearing of their struggles?
And in the midst of everything, I feel like I have so much to be thankful for that I should not be so Eeoyre about my life. What is that teaching my kids?
Please just know, friends, that I spend every second of every day conflicted. I love you and your precious blessings. I want to hear about their successes. But a part of me remains selfish and feels sad. And a smaller part of me than before remains hopeful that Bug will get there. So please be patient with me.
