If you’re in any parenting forums online,
you know that every third post from a new parent is in regard to concerns about
development. It’s a natural concern because delays could indicate major
problems, right? Well-meaning moms and dads reassure that every child develops
at their own pace, the child will be fine, and other parents/family members who
mentioned a concern need to mind their own business. I am the mom who reads the
post and thinks, “It might not be okay. Your child could be like my child, and
you could be at the start of a road you never expected to take.”
Now don’t get me wrong, children
do develop on their own individual timelines, and most of those timelines are
typical. But some aren’t. My 6 year old daughter has motor and speech delays,
and without going into a medical history (which would be a LONG post), suffice
it to say I’m an authority on a child who doesn’t follow a typical timeline.
Whether your children are
typically developing or are following a different developmental path, we all
have our challenges – yours are different than mine. But if you have a friend
or family member who has a child with special needs, please keep reading.
Navigating this world is lonely and a constant battle (both internally and
externally). Here’s some insight into that world.
1. I’m excited for your child’s progress, but my
heart breaks a little bit each time I hear about it. My twin nieces are 6
weeks younger than my daughter, and my sister and I had a tough time navigating
through their developmental successes. She had been keeping me in the loop, but
then I learned they took their first steps and she didn’t tell me. I was
crushed. She didn’t want to tell me because she knew it would make me sad, but
I explained that just because it hurt that my daughter wasn’t there yet (and at
that point, I wasn’t sure she’d ever walk), I wanted to celebrate my nieces’
successes. So don’t cut me out, but know that I’m going to have an emotional
war raging inside of me when you tell me.
2. Just listen. If I open up to you about
the last doctor’s appointment, test, therapy session, or small success my child
had, for the love of all that’s holy, just listen. Please do not tell me about
a friend who had a child with special needs or take the opportunity to brag on
your own child. There is a time for that. When I’m telling you something
private about my struggles, that’s not the time.
3. Stop asking how you can help. I will
never respond by telling you how you can help because I don’t want to be a
burden. But you know what you can do? You can tell me you’d like to come
babysit on Friday night so my husband and I can go out on a date. Because our
marriage may be strained close to the point of breaking because…
4. The divorce rate
is higher for parents
of children with special needs. It’s not because of the child, but it may
be because of the stresses associated with each person differently processing
this life we’re living that we didn’t anticipate. The more time parents of
children with special needs can spend together rekindling their relationship,
the better they are able to weather the storm.
5. Don’t give me advice. Sorry, but if you
are not living this life, you don’t get to tell me how to manage it. It’s as
simple as this – if I only have girls, I can’t have a qualified opinion on how
to raise boys. I can have an opinion, of course, but it’s not a qualified one. So I should keep it to
myself.
6. I love my child as much as you do. I may
have days of struggling with her diagnosis or challenges, but that doesn’t mean
I don’t love her for who she is. My child is an extraordinary blessing, and I’m
not minimizing that by feeling the pressures associated with her unique
challenges.
7. Don’t make assumptions about my child or my
parenting based upon how she looks or behaves. My daughter “looks normal”
but will not answer a question if you ask her. I have a friend who has a child
with cerebral palsy, and while his body doesn’t work, his brain is sharp as a
tack. Don’t stare at either child trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with
them, and please, when my child is throwing a fit on the floor or sobbing in
the grocery store, don’t give me the evil eye because you think I’m just a bad
parent. I’ve got enough going on – your judgments are not helpful.
We are all doing the best
we can navigating the waters of being a parent. Hopefully this insight into a
world that is different than yours will help you better understand how to
support someone who is walking this path, as well.
Next time you read a post
on a parenting forum from a concerned parent who notices that her child seems
to be delayed in movement, speech, etc., don’t just reply that the child will
be fine. Encourage the parent to visit her pediatrician just to discuss
concerns. Your comment could be the nudge that parent needed to validate her
mom-instinct and start getting early intervention if it’s necessary. Every
child deserves the best chance at succeeding and destigmatizing “special needs”
is a very important first step.
Please share your
thoughts and questions – I’d love to hear what you have to say!
This is an article I wrote for one of the blogs to which I regularly contribute - check it out here!
